Worth

I have been busy not thinking about food.  Rather, I have been busy and have not been thinking about food. Isn't that an odd statement?  It is for someone who has spent many hours thinking about food, about whether I was going to eat something good for me or not, about what the food I was eating was doing to my body, wondering when everyone would be busy enough or gone so I could sneak something I shouldn't have.  I have spent too much time thinking about it.  So, by nature of taking the limits and judgement off all food, I have lessened it's pull on me.  I just finished off a medium sized bag of skittles I bought 2 weeks ago.  Yesterday I left a cookie half-eaten because at the moment, I had had enough of the taste and sweetness ( it was a really good, soft cookie too). And just now, I had another triumph, if you will.  In Geneen Roth's books she talks about planning ahead for hunger.  It is when you eat when you're not really hungry because you know you'll be hungry in a little while.  I call it eating for convenience.  I was getting hungry today around 11am, so hungry that I ate a Luna bar.  I typically get a lunch break around 11:30, but since we are short-staffed this week, I ended up not being able to get away from my office for a lunch break.  So, around noon, I started thinking, I should just go ahead and eat now, to get that out of the way while it's quiet.  Then I realized that I'm not hungry, I am planning ahead for future hunger.  In my head I was thinking that if I don't eat now, while it's relatively quiet, it might get busy with customers and I won't get a chance to eat.  And, that might end up being true.  Somedays I am busy straight through from lunch until the end of the day.  But I followed my thoughts up and realized I'm worrying before there's a reason to worry.  My stomach's not growling, and even if it were, I am not going to pass out or have a medical emergency, I'll just be hungry.  It's like I'm afraid of that feeling, hunger.  So, here I am typing instead of eating, which I consider a victory!
Another concept I am thinking about more is saying no. That means more than just saying no, but there is a whole blanket of stuff covered under that idea.  For instance, my husband had this weekend off and the weather was going to be absolutely beautiful (and it was).  I ended up catching some sort of stomach ailment overnight on Friday and my thoughts turned to how I was about to ruin my husband's weekend off.  I started to think of ways I could posibly make myself feel better to try and go anyway because I didn't want to be the spoilsport.  It turns out I felt better the next day anyway, enough to go get groceries and take the dog out and eat real food, so we went and had fun anyway, but during the drive I thought about those knee-jerk thoughts I had in the midst of my miserable state.  I should have told him I wanted him to take the dog out and get groceries, and maybe if I could rest the morning I would have energy to go on our little roadtrip.  Instead I was silent, appeasing even.  I was a little upset that no one was all that concerned that I'd been sick and was still trying to take on the world.  But, that is on me, not them.  I don't say no.  I don't ask for help.  I take the load on my back.  Two weekends ago, at my spiritualist church, the reverend pulled me aside to tell me that a Native spirit named Henry Crow Dog wanted to give me a message. She typically only channels at the end of service, but she said right when she was getting done, she heard my name so she wanted to give me the message.  For fifteen minutes I listened intently on what she was saying, that I have had many lifetimes of people dumping things on me, and making me feel unworthy (not just my own parents in this lifetime).  She went on to say that I have to own my worthiness and let go of the guilt and shame because I have powerful gifts but they will not work when I don't believe in my own worth.  I, of course, was a blubbering mess afterword.  It was hitting some really tender spots and it was something I really needed to hear.  I have been thinking about that a lot since then.  How does one "own" their worthiness?  If I have really been dumped on for several lifetimes, how can I be sure I have the tools in this lifetime to get past that? It is all heavy stuff, but it really ties into what I'm trying to do with liberating food/mindful eating.  If fixing our eating habits were as easy as simply not eating the things we know are counterproductive to our health and fitness goals, everyone would be easily able to acheive their goal.  It's this mental burden that keeps us wanting the pleasure of eating.
I will say, this period of NOT dieting has gone a huge way toward figuring things out and starting to trust that my body will tell me what it wants.  I alreay have a better relationship with food than I've had in such a long time.  I don't hide in shame to eat something.  I eat what I want and I have even been able to stop eating when I'm satisfied because I know I can always have more, this isn't some glorified "cheat day".  The concept of "enough" is starting to come around and I am welcoming it. 

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