The Wagon just got Heavier
Today is my last day off of work after a week off. I didn’t go anywhere or do anything special, which felt really good because I am an introvert who thrives on quiet time at home. I did watch a bunch of episodes of Finding Your Roots, spent a good amount of time online and had 4 appointments for myself and kids plus one meeting. My boss texted me for help nearly all of the days I was off, and I just rill d my eyes, solved the problem and continued on with my chilling out. In my head, I expected this week to be so rejuvenating and healing, but I really have a problem living “in the moment” and found the time to pass so much faster than it should have.
One of the things I did with my time was I subscribed to Newspapers.com so I could see if I could find more information about my relatives. My family has lived in a small city in Wisconsin since the 1880’s when my great great grandfather arrived from Germany. I found some obituaries and notices of social parties and relatives visiting from out of town, loads of bowling scores and marriage announcements galore. I also found the time my parents and their friends were busted for underaged drinking! And I found sad stories about my grandparents having their farm foreclosed on during the Great Depression and my great great grandfather’s second wife abandoning their marriage when she learned he was terminally ill. It was bittersweet to see how hard their lives were. In a way, it makes them more real to me, but in others it makes me feel sad for them.
Sadness has been a bit of a theme this week. I had my first counseling session on Monday afternoon and I think it went OK. I mainly went to talk about my anxiety, particularly as it applies to driving in snow. From our conversation, she thinks I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder or “winter blues”) and I agree, my mood is much lighter and happier when winter ends and the sun comes back out more. I may try one of those sun simulator lamps to see if that helps, but I think dealing with my anxiety will also help, and I might need medicine for that in the long run because she thinks I am actually having mini panic attacks. My assignment is to purchase and read a specific book about panic. I am seeing a counselor first because my work covers 3 sessions for free and then she can refer me out to have medicine prescribed if I need it. I can continue with therapy if I want but then it gets billed to my insurance. I have AMAZING insurance so I might just choose to continue for other issues. I would like to talk to her about my compulsive eating to see if she has any input or suggestions. I don’t think that fixing my anxiety is the entire solution to all my problems, but I do know it contributes to other issues. If I’m stressing out about upcoming snow, or if it’s snowing while I’m at work and I know I’m going to have to drive home in it, I reach for food. The dopamine I get from the food does take the edge off the anxiety. And if I’m eating something high calorie or high sugar I re-focus my thoughts on how I need to eat better and be more mindful etc. It all works together but it adds up to making me feel bad on more than one level. That is what makes me vulnerable when I see this bright, colorful ads promising a great life along with a smaller waistline if I just really stick to this one certain diet and exercise. This week it was Keto, showing up over and over in my Pinterest feed. Yes, I was looking up low-carb recipes and nowadays low-carb is equated with a keto diet. I won’t bore you with the details, chances are pretty good that most people out there know what it is or a quick Google search will certainly get you up to speed. It is a DIET and as such, it’s restrictive of what kinds of stuff you can eat. I was put off by that at first until I took a closer look. Most of the stuff allowed is stuff I already eat. I was worried that I couldn’t eat fruit at all but it turns out blueberries are allowed which is one of my fruit go-tos. So yes, I am considering going back to a mindfully lower carb, higher fat diet. I have done the low-carb before, and it even makes you start out in a keto phase before adding some carbs back in. I did have great success on that, I lost 40 pounds and felt better than I had in years. Every time I go back in that plan I end up feeling good and losing weight, and typically have more energy to boot! I haven’t really focused on the fats like this before but I’m willing to try it. I will take weight and measurements tomorrow and post updates and results. I can’t stand how I feel right now with this stomach getting in my way and flopping around; I feel so old, tired and out of shape.
So about my whole not-dieting thing? I still think it has many valid points and will use them to help me work through things when I want to go off the rails. I wasn’t really fully sticking to mindful eating, in some ways I think it’s too unstructured for me and I take too much liberty with it. So I will try this again and try incorporating the two. I need to learn a little more about keto, but I feel mostly ready to start tomorrow. I have egg “muffins” made and have a Big Mac salad planned for lunch. My other meals and snacks are lower carb items like Greek yogurt and nuts. It’s a starting point and I can fine-tune things as I go. Just the thought of giving it another go makes me feel like the sun is starting to peek out from behind the clouds. I may have to examine the beliefs behind that feeling but for now I’m going to run with it. I’m back on the wagon baby!
One of the things I did with my time was I subscribed to Newspapers.com so I could see if I could find more information about my relatives. My family has lived in a small city in Wisconsin since the 1880’s when my great great grandfather arrived from Germany. I found some obituaries and notices of social parties and relatives visiting from out of town, loads of bowling scores and marriage announcements galore. I also found the time my parents and their friends were busted for underaged drinking! And I found sad stories about my grandparents having their farm foreclosed on during the Great Depression and my great great grandfather’s second wife abandoning their marriage when she learned he was terminally ill. It was bittersweet to see how hard their lives were. In a way, it makes them more real to me, but in others it makes me feel sad for them.
Sadness has been a bit of a theme this week. I had my first counseling session on Monday afternoon and I think it went OK. I mainly went to talk about my anxiety, particularly as it applies to driving in snow. From our conversation, she thinks I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder or “winter blues”) and I agree, my mood is much lighter and happier when winter ends and the sun comes back out more. I may try one of those sun simulator lamps to see if that helps, but I think dealing with my anxiety will also help, and I might need medicine for that in the long run because she thinks I am actually having mini panic attacks. My assignment is to purchase and read a specific book about panic. I am seeing a counselor first because my work covers 3 sessions for free and then she can refer me out to have medicine prescribed if I need it. I can continue with therapy if I want but then it gets billed to my insurance. I have AMAZING insurance so I might just choose to continue for other issues. I would like to talk to her about my compulsive eating to see if she has any input or suggestions. I don’t think that fixing my anxiety is the entire solution to all my problems, but I do know it contributes to other issues. If I’m stressing out about upcoming snow, or if it’s snowing while I’m at work and I know I’m going to have to drive home in it, I reach for food. The dopamine I get from the food does take the edge off the anxiety. And if I’m eating something high calorie or high sugar I re-focus my thoughts on how I need to eat better and be more mindful etc. It all works together but it adds up to making me feel bad on more than one level. That is what makes me vulnerable when I see this bright, colorful ads promising a great life along with a smaller waistline if I just really stick to this one certain diet and exercise. This week it was Keto, showing up over and over in my Pinterest feed. Yes, I was looking up low-carb recipes and nowadays low-carb is equated with a keto diet. I won’t bore you with the details, chances are pretty good that most people out there know what it is or a quick Google search will certainly get you up to speed. It is a DIET and as such, it’s restrictive of what kinds of stuff you can eat. I was put off by that at first until I took a closer look. Most of the stuff allowed is stuff I already eat. I was worried that I couldn’t eat fruit at all but it turns out blueberries are allowed which is one of my fruit go-tos. So yes, I am considering going back to a mindfully lower carb, higher fat diet. I have done the low-carb before, and it even makes you start out in a keto phase before adding some carbs back in. I did have great success on that, I lost 40 pounds and felt better than I had in years. Every time I go back in that plan I end up feeling good and losing weight, and typically have more energy to boot! I haven’t really focused on the fats like this before but I’m willing to try it. I will take weight and measurements tomorrow and post updates and results. I can’t stand how I feel right now with this stomach getting in my way and flopping around; I feel so old, tired and out of shape.
So about my whole not-dieting thing? I still think it has many valid points and will use them to help me work through things when I want to go off the rails. I wasn’t really fully sticking to mindful eating, in some ways I think it’s too unstructured for me and I take too much liberty with it. So I will try this again and try incorporating the two. I need to learn a little more about keto, but I feel mostly ready to start tomorrow. I have egg “muffins” made and have a Big Mac salad planned for lunch. My other meals and snacks are lower carb items like Greek yogurt and nuts. It’s a starting point and I can fine-tune things as I go. Just the thought of giving it another go makes me feel like the sun is starting to peek out from behind the clouds. I may have to examine the beliefs behind that feeling but for now I’m going to run with it. I’m back on the wagon baby!
I just started a low carb, high fat diet too. It does seem to make me feel more full and less deprived until I think about bread, waffles, cakes, etc. But I know sugar is not good for me. Hoping for the best for both of us!
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, I know how hard it is to fight off those things that taste soooo good. On day one of cleaning things up, I am wondering if I made the right choice. haha. Good luck to you Gloria!
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